Mandatory Classes for Older Child Adoption

I am not sure if all adoption agencies require mandatory "classes" for older child adoption like they do for infant adoption but ours did. And I do think that all agencies should  require it. However, in our case, the classes were no help whatsoever. I don't know if it is the lack of preparation, lack of educational materials, or even lack of anyone who is willing to educate but the classes we took from our agency were horrible.

First of all, gathering a bunch of moms that adopted their kids as infants 20 years ago do not fit the bill as being experienced and/or successful in older child adoption. And their successful stories were TRAINWRECKS - just about all the kids - now adults - hated their parents. You think I am kidding - umm - one kid hadn't talked to mom in over a year, one ran off to india, one was in jail, and one has just called her mom a racist. When my husband and I got into the car, we has no words. We couldn't believe what we had just witnessed. And these parents were laughing it all off as if it were just a part of life. The only thing I learned that day was that these people and our agency must view "successful" parenting very differently.

Our second older child adoption class was more informational and much less twilight zone-y. But once again, not really helpful for those adopting an older child above the age of 4 or 5. What would have been nice is to end the session with a little pow-wow with families of similar situations or at least pass out a few phone numbers of people that you could connect with. I learned at this class that families who adopt children above the age of 5 are basically on their own. I also learned that people find it easy to tell you about the horror stories of older child adoption but fail to either educate you on how to deal with situations or fail to balance the negative with the positive. And the idea of disruption is either brushed over or made to sound like one must "qualify" for such a heinous choice. Never did I get the idea that disruption is possible but we, as an agency, will do our best to assist you in every way possible to avoid that. I just once again felt left on my own to figure this whole thing out.

Our last set of classes were through the site Adoption Learning Partners. We took the older child adoption and the conspicuous race course. Honestly, some parts were a bit boring or common sense and others were quite helpful. These courses at least made me think rather than want to nail my head to the floor. I just took a quick glance over there and there are quite a bit of new things there that look interesting.

I guess I was just amazed at the lack of information that we recieved. Some of the things that should have been covered were race isssues - and preferably by an adoptee or at least someone of another race. You can't teach about how a child of another race will feel if you haven't felt it yourself. A great example being those "successful" parents who were blatantly insensitive to their children's races even today. Behavioral issues, which should be gone over in complete detail and why the behaviors may occur. Communication! It would have been nice to go over the many communication issues and what kinds of places that we could find help. Or even ways that we could communicate with our child because not every child can read pinyin and not every child will be open to communication. Which leads to the other communication and what types of things that could be said to help a child open up to you because Family Day can render even parents speechless and nervous. And #1 that I would have loved to have seen is a class on being in your child's shoes and how he/she may view all the aspects of his/her new life. I mean even the idea of loving another person may be foreign to an older child who might not know how to love the way you expect him/her to. I'd love to hug and hold my daughter every day but its just not her. She's not comfy with it all the time. And we had to ask her about her feelings regarding this early on when we saw signs of discomfort. But we kiss her goodbye in the morning and good night and that is ok. So what was the big deal with hugging? In China, its not a widespread practice and she just didn't like getting so close to people. I felt like an idiot because a little part of me took the not liking hugs a little personal.

I just wish that there were more thorough - based on experience - education regarding older child adoption. I have always had the feeling that the older child was expected to just be resilient and fit into line with the rest of the family. This just doesn't make sense to me and makes me wonder if the child feels like a part of the family or just another child in the home - in a way like being switched to another orphanage but everyone speaks a different language.

The one thing that I continue to learn from my daughter and that could have been discussed in a class -  that I never in a million years would have thought could be so difficult for me as a result of blatant oversight - is that I need to ask questions no matter how trivial. Some of my assumptions, even now, have been so way off. Just today she spoke to me with this horrid attitude and I just looked at her, annoyed and irritated. All I could think of was that she was just being bratty. Well - I was wrong. I guess my tone of voice must have been accusing so she was just responding to it. I could kick myself. Much like when "L" didn't know any english, we were careful about tone of voice and behavior because that was our sole source of communication. She also learns how to communicate by copying our behavior.

Leaving Friday not Thursday

Original Post Date: Dec 6, 2006

Leave it to me to get the day wrong. It is chaos over here. We leave on Dec 8th which is actually Friday and gives me an extra day to get everything together. Here's a quick rundown of all that has been happening around here:

• We are getting more and more excited everyday! Since this whole thing came upon us so quickly we never got a chance to send XinMin a care package introducing us to her and her caretakers. This package is usually the first contact between child and family so it is really very important. Lucky for us, we found a family adopting from the same orphanage as XinMin who was going to be in China a week before us and they were willing to deliver a small care package from us to our daughter. I put together a small photo album filled with not only family photos, house photos, but also pictures that we had of her. We also labeled everything in chinese characters. It was just enough to give her a crash course in her upcoming life so that we wouldn't be total strangers to her.
• I packed her things in my suitcase knowing that we would be allowed 2 extra suitcases that came with XinMin's ticket. I packed a small picture dictionary by - I think - Norma Shapiro. This also comes in a chinese english picture dictionary which i preferred but was not able to get one quick enough. I also packed some pajamas, underwear, socks, toothbrush, and one outfit. We just don't want to risk buying things that aren't her size or style. Also, she has basically lost control of everything she has known so the least we could do is let her choose her own clothes.
• In my carry on that would never ever leave my side due to the fact that ALL of our necessary documents were in there, I packed my essentials along with 2 travel dictionaries. I will not be caught disorganized all the way in China!
• We don't even have our in-china itinerary yet - How crazy is that?

It's happening - so quickly. I am excited, nervous, happy, delirious. I have been double checking every piece of paperwork that I have so that I don't forget anything mandatory. I keep telling myself that I am as prepared for parenthood as much as I can be and to just let my instincts take over - but its easier said than done. I am also scared and concerned about whether she will like us and want us to be hers. I don't know what to expect and that is frightening. This all lies on one little girl's shoulders - will it be good or bad? I am just trying to let this all sink in and cherish each moment. Life as we have known it for 12 yrs is about to change not only for us but for XInMin. I want her to have an amazing and wonderful week before she starts her new life with us. I can't help but look around and know that once we get back from China everything will be different. We will be different, we will be parents.

An Expectant Mother's Thoughts

Original Post Date: October 30, 2006

As the end of the year is coming to a close and news of our verbal pre-approval. I am starting to anticipate becoming a mother. Every day I think of her and each day she becomes more and more ours. I have dreamt of her only once...and it was humoous but amazing. It was nothing fantastic. Just a dream ans she was my daughter. However, even in my dreams I worried about communication. In this dream she spoke hardly any english but she was familiar with us. We did our best to understand each other but usually ended up struggling and looking ridiculous - which made us both laugh. Like I said - it was a plain jane dream - but she was in it.

I worry about her all the time. She is the last of the older girls there and I know she must not be feeling all too great about that. Although I have a hard time waiting, I can't imagine what she must be going through seeing all her friends leaving to meet their families while she must remain at the orphanage. I wonder if her hope diminishes as each day goes by. I wonder if she will be angry at us for not getting her sooner (as if we had a choice).

I have been preparing for her in many ways. Right now I am gathering all the things that we need to assist us with the understanding of basic things like hygeine and girl stuff. Basically, I have been collecting books for teens with lots of pictures and ones that don't seem too serious and scary. We have decided against buying too many things for her right now. Anything we do buy is done with a lot of thought. As far as her clothes, we don't plan on buying her anything except some pajamas, necessities, and a couple of outfits. Since we don't know her size and tastes, we will do some major shopping in China and then in Seattle on our way home from China. She has a beautiful room but I left it somewhat bare so that we can figure out the decor together.

We have decided that that since we have the luxury of having one parent stay home (me), we will take things very slowly or at whatever her pace is. Everything we do will be somewhat educational without being too educational. Rather than leave it up to her to adapt to our surroundings, we hope that with her help we will make it our surroundings. We aren't going to rush her into school but we will slowly immerse ourselves in school activities. I guess what I am saying is that we have hopes but no expectations of how our lives will be after her arrival. We can only say that we will see how things go and react from there. We have an arsenal of people and books that have given us so many books on parenting if we should need them.

This is so much different from adopting a baby. My way of thinking has changed from diapers to maxi pads, from pre-school to high school, from paydates to dates with boys - egads! I am no longer thinking about what is cute but moreso will she like it...much less wear it? Cooking is a whole new venture and necessity. I want to make sure that our little girl will have a variety of foods to choose from - so cooking recipes that are similar to what she knows has been a goal of mine. Mr. Darling has been working at the tone of his voice when he speaks since his tone will be what is first understood by XinMin and if he comes off as mad, intimidating, or put off - she will think that he is when he really isn't. There is still so much to think about!

Needing a Nap After Retail Therapy

Original Post Date: Nov 6, 2006

I appreciate all the advice that I have received  - please, please keep them coming. If you are still wondering why I have thought to buy a 12 yr old girl dolls and books - it is because despite her age, she still hasn't had a chance to be a little girl or a daughter. Everything will be brand new. I am trying to avoid real babysih things but at the same time items that a child from another country will enjoy and understand without explanation. She isn't going to know what a family is or consists of so we will provide routines and structure that may seem like common sense to us, but not to someone from another culture. Some of the books may seem juvenile but they will most likely be read to her as a bedtime routine, concentrating on love, family, etc. She probably doesn't even know how to be a typical 12 yr old as some of her behaviors may mature and others less mature. We may have to teach her to be a child, a daughter - and that is something that will come purely from her when she is ready. As far as I am concerned, a variety of things babyish to mature is fair game. I just try to put myself in her shoes as a child who is new to the country and this whole life. I don't want her to feel overly pressured into fitting in or being American right away. I just want her to be comfortable enough to be herself and not something that she thinks we want her to be.

I often worry that she may not want to be adopted or be a part of our family when we meet her but that is a risk I knew early on that we would have to face. After all, she does have the choice. One of the questions that she will be asked when we finalize the adoption in China is " Do you want to be adopted? So you want them to be your parents?" And then she has to sign the paperwork with us. That's a pretty big responsibility if you ask me - she alon must sign her fate and leave everything she has ever known. I can't even fathom the thought if it were me.  Scary. I hope that she wants to be our daughter and if there is a problem - we'll cross that bridge when we get there. We have hope - and that is what keeps us moving forward.

Our Timeline and Intro to Our Daughter

I'm going to start this blog when we first found out that we received Travel Approval. Then I'll pop in some of the more thoughtful posts regarding waiting and expecting before the posts about our trip to China.

Date: Nov 21, 2006
Original Post Title: A Million Miles a Minute

We were not expecting the news yesterday. It was just another phone call to return. We had no idea that this was the call that every expectant adopting parent hopes for - the travel approval - consent to go to China and pick up your child. Except for us it was a little more than that in this crazy process. It was travel approval, referral acceptance, and China approval. Basically, ok we got the paperwork, we want to get this little girl her parents, so congrats your parents, hurry up - literally - and get your child. All in one phone call.

Now a little about her: Chen XinMin is 12 years old and in Chenzhou SWI in Hunan Province. She will be turning 13 in February (on the date that she was found when she was only 3 years old). Since she was not an infant at the time that she was brought to the orphanage, I believe that that is the reason why she was in the orphanage for so long. By the time a child is 3, he/she is considered special needs in most cases just because they aren't infants. She is at the top of her class, she goes to school, obviously a beauty ;), and she is the oldest adoptable girl at the SWI. So because I know that this whole amazing story of how we came to find XinMin is filled with as many twists and turns as a soap opera - I will try to sum it up so you can see how we got here:

Summer of 2005 - paperchased for infant from China

Dossier to China - 12/16/2005

Log In Date - 1/5/2006

Found WenYan's Family's blog (who just happened to be XinMin's best friend) - 2/2006
It may sound harsh but as first time parents we were aware of what we were willing to take on. We wanted an older child that was able to retain her history and family that she grew up with. We will be taking on all these people as our family. You cannot request a specific child from China - we had to just wait for a miracle. Seriously - a miracle. In hindsight, of all the adoption agencies in the world I was hoping that one of 5 or 6 girls files would find its way to us.

3/06 - 5/06 - bi-weekly calls to WenYan's agency and still hoping that one of the Chenzhou girl's files would be found be us.

5/06 - Mr. Darling applies for a job and is told to come to Montana for an interview. SIX days later, through a yahoo chenzhou families group, one of the girl's files is found to be at an agency in Oregon. Keep in mind that at this time we were living in Washington State. The minute I saw XinMin and "knew" who she was. Her file had been open for 3 weeks prior to us calling about her - and as soon as the agency heard our story - they agreed to do whatever they could to assist us in becoming her family.
One problem - we were their test family for file transfers (one agency to another agency). They decided to do things the long way (ssh - there was a shortcut way) and re-submit XinMin's file to China so that they could re-do the paperwork with our agency's (WACAP) name on it.
The Catch - they weren't going to re-submit the file until August when all the other files of waiting children who did not get chosen was sent back. AND there was a small chance that her file could get lost in the shuffle of paperwork and get sent somewhere else entirely.

8/06 - XinMin's file is sent back to China a couple days earlier since the Oregon agency (All God's Children) was able to place all of the waiting children. By this time Mr. Darling had already accepted the job in Montana and we were in the process of selling our home. Our move was to take place in the next 10 days of hearing this news and we were advised to keep our fingers crossed and hope that all goes as planned. We just had to wait not knowing if we were about to lose her forever.
Once we got our phones hooked up, we received word that the file was successfully transferred BUT China had concerns about our age and parenting abilities. Another Letter of Intent and a letter from our social workerhad to be sent. Oh and in the middle of all this, our original agency coordinator had moved and our paperwork was amiss but then found. Once again we were advised that we needed to wait for China to approve us and then wait for referral paperwork to be sent to our agency to be signed since the Oregon agency's acceptance only granted the paperwork permission to be sent to Washington.

11/06 - Still no referral and not expecting yesterday's call that everything was approved and accepted and that we were parents. It was a complete and total surprise. So much so that we had no idea what to do at that very moment except constantly ask each other " What does this mean exactly?".

Some ironies that make my heart jump:

~Her pre-adoptive medical appt. was on my birthday last year.
~ She had her appendix out right before WenYan's family came to visit. Had it been any later, she may not have been in the pictures on that family's blog.
~ WenYan called the orphanage to tell her that a family was trying to adopt her but she would not talk to her. She said that she was busy watching TV.
~ When we first called the Oregon agency, we were the only family that had come forward. Within days, 4+ families had come forward with inquiries.

Whoa - we are parents. Parents to a pre-teen daughter. We will most likely be a family of 3 by this time next month - big whoa!